how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I'm pretty sure that every show on ABC Family could be turned into a drinking game.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
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every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
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Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
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