I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Randomize
