She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
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