I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Randomize
