i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
you are never too drunk for berry picking
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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