Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
