how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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