I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
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