you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Randomize
