So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
