I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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