I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Life without a bra equals bliss.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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