every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
