I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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