I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
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