She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
