I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
