Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
