Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Dicks are not precious.
Randomize
