just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
My dick has a subreddit
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
