My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
