I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
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