Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
