When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
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