WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Randomize
