This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Randomize
