when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
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You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
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I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
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