so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
