He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
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