Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
pray to the hookup gods
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
