Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
