he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
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