you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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