Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
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