i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
