Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
