Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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