I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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