You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Randomize
