What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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