What a fucking waste of an outfit
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
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