What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
