I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Randomize
