im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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