My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
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