I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
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