Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
