mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
send nudes
from the living room?
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
