Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Randomize
