On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
