Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
