you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Randomize
