if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
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