Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I wish you could order shots online.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Randomize
