he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
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it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
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And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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