I faked an abortion last night.
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
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