she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
