i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
i love accidental penises.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Someone came in the potted fern
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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