i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
i think im in europe. pls send help
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
