Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Randomize