why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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