It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
